Be careful what you wish for. Just a week ago, the televised leadership debates were meaningless to the Conservative Party. A chance to introduce their candidates to an audience that would otherwise know little about the MPs watching the Downing Street wallpaper. A showcase for the range and depth of talent within the Tories. Or maybe not. Because what the debates have revealed is not gravitas, but pure levity. A group of challengers with selective memories, fighting like rats in a sack and who hardly agree on anything. Because it knows too little, the country knows too much. Rotting entrails exposed.
The third televised debate was originally scheduled for Monday night. Until someone realizes that this will collide with the third round of voting. Although it might liven up proceedings for the rest of us. Instead of hearing the same five candidates rehash their tired lines and animosity for the third time in four days, we could have eliminated someone on live television. Right danger. “You are the weakest link. Goodbye.”
So the debate was moved to Tuesday just for Ready4Rish! and Liz Truss to pull out within minutes of each other on Monday morning. Almost as if it was co-ordinated by Tory HQ. God forbid. Rish! he was clearly tired of making fun of how hopeless Truss was – why was he being so awful to Liz in public, he’d asked. Because it’s also easy to misfire, the Truss robot was so useless. Obv. On many occasions, her face was the computer’s spinning wheel of fortune – and wouldn’t turn on again until the latter stages of the race. But if Liz made it to the bottom two, he’d be happy to resume the trash talk.
Truss was adamant that she would not participate in any debate unless all five of Friday’s and Sunday’s lineups were included. Which rather suggested that she didn’t understand the format of the leadership contest. Someone explain this to her, please.
Penny Mordaunt was happy to go ahead and blame Rish for the cancellation! and Coward cannot be polite to each other. Before remembering that this is not the preferred message from Tory HQ and is contradicting itself. Rish! and Truss got along too well. That was it! That’s why the debates are over. Kemi Badenoch and Tom Tugendhat said nothing. Probably because they had seen the numbers and realized they were unlikely to participate on Tuesday. So the Tories kicked out another democratic plank in the interest of self-preservation.
Meanwhile, in the House of Commons, Boris Johnson took time out from his Typhoon pilot fantasies to play the role of Prime Minister for what could be the final occasion. There’s still a chance he’ll find an excuse to fly to Kyiv to say goodbye to Volodymyr Zelensky instead of appearing at PMQs on Wednesday. These days a prisoner can choose what he likes. Apparently presiding over extreme temperature Cobra meetings was too boring. Especially when there were parties at Checkers.
But if this was to be Johnson’s last stand, it was somehow appropriate that it be at a debate without consequence. A premiership that has humiliated the office with lies and incompetence must end in the futility of a no-confidence vote without meaning. And mixed with its internal contradictions. Just because the Tory party had chosen to remove a convict as its leader, it somehow did not follow that he was unfit to remain Prime Minister and run the government. Give an account.
There were plenty of gaps on the Tory backbenches for Johnson’s last hurray, although the ever-loyal Nadine Dorries and Jacob Rees-Mogg tucked in close behind to keep the flame burning a little longer. Together with the vacant Tras. Selling himself to the party as Boris’ succession candidate while happily trashing his economic record in government. Then nothing much makes sense in the modern Conservative Party. Not least the cheers that greeted his arrival from the same MPs who have spent much of the last few weeks trying to get rid of him.
The convict opened up by saying he could not understand why Labor had brought up the confidence debate. The speaker had to carefully point out to him that this was the government’s own initiative. Johnson waved him off—details had never been his forte, and he had no intention of changing now—and proceeded to deliver what was, even by his own standards, one of his most shambolic speeches. Up there with Peppa Pig in his chaotic delusion. It was almost like he was still hung over from the previous day’s Checkers party as he went into the Biggles’ expanded air force metaphor.
Vain fantasies. Tilting windmills like some modern day Don Quixote. Only one completely without honor. Unaware that he was building his own monument to hubris, he spoke of his time in office as a series of ever-greater triumphs. A greatest hits show recast by narcissistic denial. By achieving much less than other governments, it proved its dynamism. He had gotten all the big calls right. Even when faced with the final judgment, he was unable to tell the truth. There was nothing about food banks, inflation, energy prices, poverty or the collapse of public services. All we had was past glory. His success in the 2019 election and Brexit, which is still far from over.
“I’m proud of my leadership,” he concluded. Really? The lies, the parties, the cover-ups? Keir Starmer tried to gently point out to Johnson that he was leaving in disgrace. Most of his ministers and countless backbenchers had refused to serve under him. He was just too corrupt. It wasn’t Labor that had kicked him out, it was his own party. Finally crossed the line among MPs with a high threshold for scum. Instead of bragging about waiting for a card so high and wild that he would never need to deal another, he should have apologized. Not just for the Tories, but for the country.
But the convict did not listen to him. He sat sour-faced, arms folded in front of him as Nad berated Starmer. She is also allergic to the truth. As soon as it was indecently possible, Johnson ran for the exit. Let’s hope we never see the likes of him again.
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