This first-person article is by Vivian Ketchum, who often writes letters to her late mother to process her feelings. For more information on CBC’s first-person stories, please see the FAQ.
WARNING: This column contains disturbing details.
Dear Mom,
I have some strange news to share with you.
The Pope is in Canada this month. He visits some indigenous communities in Canada. I don’t know how I feel about his visit. I am reminded of the words you shared about your time in a dormitory at the Indian School of St. Mary’s in Kenora, Ontario. Catholic school.
How the nun cut your long black hair. It was part of you and your identity. You told me, “They made me look like a boy.” I saw the tears in your eyes. The memory is still so fresh in your mind even after so many years. Your story, as short as it was, still makes me angry. Trying to erase your root identity. To try to Christianize you.
Your words and my personal past at school do not make me look forward to the Pope’s visit. People say don’t hang on to the past. Let him go. Mom, how can I let go of the past when it shaped my life? Boarding schools have been a part of my past and your life.
Vivian Ketchum, left, and her mother attended boarding schools. In this photo taken in the 1990s, Ketchum plays music while her mother covers her ears with tissues. (Submitted by Vivian Ketchum)
One of my earliest memories was kissing the rosary she held in her hand. Later in life you become a Christian. You had your Bible and your faith. You have shared your religion with your children. I struggled to accept your faith when I had so much anger towards the church. Every church.
I hated what happened to me at boarding school. Physical and emotional abuse. The unwanted touch that made me feel terrible. Even now I am not strong enough to put this experience into words. I wanted what I had lost as a child. I wanted my mother too. The mother I missed so much at boarding school.
Years later, I also became a Christian. I wasn’t in the tent meetings he took me to with people singing loudly to show me your new church life. But I saw the change in you after getting sober and how your faith helped you. No more scary situations like loud house parties. So I took your faith and made it mine.
Vivian Ketchum uses both her Bible and a stain bowl when she prays. (Vivian Ketchum)
I wanted to keep my part of our Anishinaabe ways. To find that part of me that was stolen in a dorm. So I blurt out. I also pray with my hands. No rosary. My faith is not like that. Skirts with ribbons, not church dresses.
Today, my Bible rests next to my stain bowl and local remedies. This is part of my healing journey.
Mom, I walk in two worlds with my faith. I try to find my way in these seemingly incompatible worlds. I don’t want to cut my hair and lose my identity because of my Christianity – if I can use that as a metaphor to express the path I’ve created for myself.
Mom, the Pope’s visit brings back old memories for residential school survivors. Triggering them. Awakening those buried traumas. It also creates a divide between those of the Christian faith and local spirituality. To forgive or not to forgive. To heal and move on. Reconciliation. To kiss these rosaries.
Your words colored my perspective on the Pope’s visit. Would his words “I’m sorry” raise that anger? Will the Pope’s words help me forgive the Catholic Church for what was done to you? I still carry that anger inside me. Even with my Bible and my lifestyle.
Pope Francis is shown with the chiefs of the four First Nations of Maskwacis, Alta., before issuing an apology on July 25 for the Roman Catholic Church’s involvement in boarding schools. (Nathan Dennett/The Canadian Press)
People are in a real frenzy about this visit. The Pope is coming to our home turf, but it won’t be a visit for tea and baths. I remember you making fresh candy and tea when friends stopped by and surprised us. It won’t be that kind of visit. Did I tell you that some of the First Nations communities will even be paved over so that the Pope can enter the community without problems. I can almost see your eyes rolling in my mind. A lighter side of the story for this Pope’s visit.
Mom, when I read this letter to you, it is so full of personal conflicts that are within me. faith. forgiveness To treat or not to treat. Then I think of your story about your hair cut. The image of a nun with scissors. The tears in your eyes.
These are the last thoughts that come to mind when I think about the Pope’s visit.
Not enough. Not enough.
— Danis (daughter)
Support is available for anyone affected by their dorm experience or the latest reports.
A national Indian school crisis line has been set up to provide support for ex-students and those affected. People can access emotional and crisis services by calling the 24-hour national crisis line: 1-866-925-4419.
Mental health counseling and crisis support is also available 24 hours a day, seven days a week through the Hope for Wellness hotline at 1-855-242-3310 or via online chat at www.hopeforwellness.ca.
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