Did everyone get their oranges? Okay. It wouldn’t be a halftime team talk without them.
Most Premier League clubs have played 19 games. That means 19 to go and a big second half ahead of us.
Sportsmail asked me to give a team talk to each club. There will be nothing on Neil Warnock. But maybe I’ll go full Mike Bassett: England Manager and throw in some words of wisdom from a few literary greats. So with my copy of Roger Hargreaves’ Mr Men by my side, here it is.
Sportsmail columnist Chris Sutton offers a half-time team chat with all 20 Premier League teams
ARSENAL
Guys, you must have seen Aaron Ramsdale get a size 9 signature from a Spurs fan who wishes his goalkeeper was half as good as yours. What a fool – it’s not like you need a kick up the rear.
You had a great first half. Bukayo Saka, Martin Odegaard, Eddie Nketiah: all fantastic. When Gabriel Jesus is fit again, he will have to be on top of his game to replace you Eddie. Mihailo Mudrik is gone, but who needs him? You showed your superiority in this win at Spurs.
You may have heard what it’s like to “lose your title.” Don’t pay attention. There will be moments. It’s more about how you recover. At the start of this season, the BBC asked 23 pundits to pick their top four. Nobody had Arsenal first. Or second. Or third. Don’t you love proving us wrong? Don’t lose this and you might just win this.
Arsenal have beaten Tottenham twice and have an eight-point lead at the top
VILLA ASTON
Guys, it’s more like that. You’re unbeaten in three and it’s good to see Unai Emery getting his ideas across after this chaotic start to the season under Steven Gerrard.
I see no reason why your undefeated streak can’t continue. Southampton and Leicester are next.
Emiliano Martinez, you won the World Cup and I can see you’re still riding so high considering you’re wearing a ‘Kylian Who?’ shirt as we speak. But here’s a challenge: stop Southampton from scoring on Saturday. You have not kept a clean sheet since October 23rd.
BOURNMOUTH
Guys, that’s eight league losses out of nine. This is not enough. You make me feel sorry for Gary O’Neill.
He did well as an interim coach, so well that he got the full-time gig. But since that happened, you haven’t won. Scott Parker was fired because he said you weren’t good enough to stay awake. Do you want to prove him right?
If I had said in August that you would be out of the bottom three at the halfway stage, you would have ripped my arm off. But you need to up your game.
Gary O’Neill has struggled since taking over on a permanent basis at Bournemouth in November
BRENTFORD
Guys, not bad for a bus stop in Hounslow, eh? Thomas Frank has a game plan and you follow it perfectly. No one knows what will happen to Ivan Toney amid these FA betting charges. This is a problem. But you beat Liverpool 3-1 without Toni and you can beat other teams too.
There is no club in the league with more character than you. Supporters sing about European football. Why not let them dream? You can dream too.
BRIGHTON
Guys, you will notice that Leandro Trosar is not here for this team talk. You might have to get used to it. But you beat Everton 4-1 and Liverpool 3-0 without Trossar. You’ll be fine. But Alexis McAllister and Moises Caicedo, you’re not going anywhere because Brighton are already European rivals. You are needed.
I thought Graham Potter did a great job with Brighton. But you play better under Roberto De Zerbi. This is a brilliant brand of football and you should be looking up from seventh place, not down.
CHELSEA
Don’t worry guys, I sent Todd Boyley for some tartan paint and a lot of weight so it’s just me and you. Although I can’t guarantee he won’t be back with ex-Leeds striker Billy Painter and Newport’s James Waite.
Your owner can make it up as he goes, buying everyone, the latest being the £88m signing of Mykhailo Mudryk.
Graham Potter is under pressure to do so and Todd Boeli could soon replace him
Away from the odd ownership I want to see Graham Potter do well and it’s not all down to him being 10th. Look at the attacking talent in this room: Mudric, Felix, Sterling, Havertz, Pulisic, Ziech, Aubameyang, Datro Fofana, Broia. Potter is trying to find his best XI and whoever starts, you have to deliver. If you don’t, your manager may leave. Boehly doesn’t look like a patient to me.
CRYSTAL PALACE
Guys, where is the sequence? You defeated the Wolves. Then lost to Everton. Beat West Ham. Loss to Forest. You are full of potential and I’m not just talking about Wilfried Zaha.
Eberechi Eze and Michael Olise, you are players I love. Patrick Vieira takes good care of you two, giving you license to show your quality. On your day you are dangerous. I want to see more.
EVERTON
Guys, where do I start? The good news is that it can only get better. The bad news is that it can hardly get any worse. The board is the main focus of the fans’ ire, but every member of this team needs to show that you are fit to wear the shirt.
Anthony Gordon, where is the talent that attracted a £60m bid from Chelsea? You came off the bench against Southampton, then gave James Ward-Prowse the chance to score the winning free-kick at Goodison Park.
I want to see more of you and everyone else. Frank Lampard is on the brink. I’m surprised it lasted this long. Time to stand up and be counted.
Frank Lampard is running out of time to turn things around at Goodison Park
FULHAM
You guys are the surprise package of this season. This is your time. Marco Silva did wonders to take you to sixth place. The goal at the start of the season was survival. Now it’s moving to Europe. There’s nothing wrong with dreaming big.
Aleksandar Mitrovic, you gave two fingers to those who said you wouldn’t score at this level. But everyone, outside – we’re practicing penalties to see who our new player will be.
LEEDS
Guys, Jesse Marsh is all about positivity. Like how you lost 2-1 at Villa but then he said how much he liked the performance. You know what I love more? Points.
Whenever they send me to watch you, I get excited. I love the way you play and the energy at Elland Road. But you have to show more. The January signings could help, especially in defence. You survived the last day of last season. Don’t leave it so late this time.
LEICESTER
Guys, where is this form before the World Cup? You won four out of five before this break. But since the restart you’ve lost four in a row and the fans are losing patience. I don’t blame them. Perform as deplorably as you have been and Brendan Rodgers is gone. Play for him and he stays.
If you want the boss gone, I’ll be careful. There are worse coaches than Rodgers.
LIVERPOOL
Guys, I know Jurgen Klopp is hugging you. But I won’t pamper you. This is the worst moment I can remember from a Liverpool team. You look like a shadow of yourself. Where’s the blood and thunder?
I’ve been where you are – I won the title with Blackburn in 1995 and then without warning I ran into difficulties. You have to remember how you got there in the first place. The top four is not out of reach if you regain that sense of supremacy that saw you sweep so many teams aside in the past.
Jurgen Klopp apologized to fans after Liverpool’s poor performance at Brighton on Saturday
MANCHESTER CITY
Guys, don’t listen to Didi Haman. He says you were a better team before Erling Haaland arrived. Funny. Haaland and his 21 league goals are not a problem. But I think the rest of you will be fine with participating. That includes you, Kevin De Bruyne.
Pep Guardiola has said he doesn’t care if City miss out on the title this season. But I have seen the holes punched in the wall of his office that say otherwise. What you have to remember is that Arsenal don’t have that in the bag. You are City. You won 18 in a row in 2017-18, 15 in a row in 2020-21 and 12 in a row in 2021-22. Do it again. Only morons would write you off.
Erling Haaland scores for fun, but he needs his teammates to chip in with some goals too
MANCHESTER UNITED
Guys, look how far you’ve come since the 6-3 loss to City on October 2nd. You have shown incredible improvement under Erik ten Haag.
Casemiro, I described you as a £70m panic buy, but you prove me wrong. Marcus Rashford, you are terrifying teams with a direct run. Alejandro Garnacho, you show what a prospect you are. Raphael Varane, you go about your business quietly and brilliantly.
There is such faith in the Ten Hag that fans don’t even question the club signing a striker from a Championship side – no offence, Waut Weghorst or Burnley. Now is not the time to fall apart just because a title is being talked about. Ignore it and take it game by game.
Marcus Rashford and Casemiro have been in inspired form for Man United this season
United have made huge strides in recent months under Erik ten Hag
NEWCASTLE
Guys, what do you think Mike Ashley is up to right now? I like to imagine him sipping Bovril from his giant Sports Direct mug and wondering what it might have been. You are showing your former owner what this club is capable of.
Eddie Howe has done wonders. You are watertight, conceding just 11 goals in the league and showing good intentions going forward. St. James Park is hopping.
You exceeded expectations but just enjoy the ride and see if it really takes you to the Champions League.
NOTTINGHAM FOREST
Guys, I won’t count the people for this team chat because it will take hours. Everyone knows how many signings you made in the summer. That left the manager’s head on the block, but the club backed Steve Cooper, handing him a new contract in October despite questionable form.
Now look at each other. You are the 13th and this is…
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