Dear Amy: My fiancé and I have been together for 4 years. We will get married next month.
Amy Dickinson
It will be a small wedding with less than 50 guests.
After we sent out our invitations, indicating a start time of 14:30, one of my aunts sent me a message and asked, “What time is the wedding? We have a conflict that we are avoiding. For us, if it was later in the day, it would be better … just to say!
I know she got the invitation. I just texted that the wedding started at 2:30.
I later learned that her conflict was a garage sale she was planning to do.
Another uncle sent a message this week: “We’re just thinking about your wedding day. How late in the evening do you plan to go to the reception? ”
Amy, I believe that if this had not been a gay wedding, these inappropriate questions would never have been asked. I don’t think they consider this wedding “real.”
Am I overdoing it?
Two newlyweds
Dear newlyweds: I am so happy to announce that you have not been discriminated against. how do i know that Because on the day of my own wedding, people called me and texted me, asking what time the ceremony was, asking for directions to the church, and telling me they were bringing extra guests.
I will be happy to publish wedding day stories from others, many of which will put your aunt and uncle’s pre-orders in perspective.
The other good news is that none of this will matter. You will have a great time.
Dear Amy: I have a 9-year-old child with special needs. “Kyle” is highly functional in the autism spectrum, but does not do well with athletics and other “typical” settings that can help the child fit in, make friends and otherwise have functional childhood dynamics.
We are worried that he is becoming more and more socially isolated. We are very committed and committed to his therapy and well-being. Our small families follow suit (especially both groups of grandparents).
My problem stems from my younger (older) brothers.
They are both loving uncles, but seemingly detached.
I really resent the lack of effort or participation that I know my son would benefit from, whether it’s the occasional day trip to the zoo, the park, the ball game, or the pleasure of spending the night.
They haven’t offered for years. They have no children and live nearby.
Growing up, I was the eldest brother who acted as a caretaker. I have always thought that each of them is spoiled and egocentric.
Am I wrong to be so tense about this? I just can’t get over my contempt.
I know it’s not their job to “give birth” to their nephew, but a few hours of quality time a month would help his psyche immensely.
Your recommendations?
Upset dad
Dear Dad: The contact between these uncles and Kyle would probably be good for your son. It would be good for your brothers too.
Those of us who have special needs, family members, understand that sometimes a relationship can unlock qualities that will connect a person to their own deeper humanity.
If you get to know your nephew, your brothers will see that he has a sense of humor, that he has a unique way of seeing the world and processing information, and if you connect with them and they build close relationships, they will just be better men.
Do they want to be better men? Maybe not.
They will not increase spontaneously because they do not know how. Do they need an engraved invitation from their older brother? Unfortunately, yes, they do.
Instead of sharing your frustration and contempt, you should ask your brothers for help.
Invite them (one by one) to go on a field trip with you and Kyle.
You will have to show them how to be with him, and when you do, one or both of your brothers can develop their own strange relationship with Kyle, which will grow as these uncles become more confident. Then you can ask if anyone can take it maybe one Saturday morning of the month for a while “Uncle”.
Dear Amy: I liked your answer to “Happy to Help”, who was wondering how to help her partner overcome the writing block.
I was so happy to see my favorite author, Anne Lamot, quoted in the reply!
Big fan
Dear big fan: Quote from Charlotte’s network: “It doesn’t often happen that someone is a true friend and a good writer.”
Ann Lamot is this for many writers and readers.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send an email to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.
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