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Amy Dickinson • Especially for Postmedia Network An adult widower does not need to ask his children if he can go out, Amy writes. Photo by photo / Getty Images
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Content of the article
Dear Amy: I am a 73-year-old man. My wife died three years ago. This year would be our 50th marriage.
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Although we had many ups and downs throughout our marriage, we loved each other and raised two wonderful children who now have children of their own. (I also have a daughter from a previous marriage.)
I have many grandchildren and great-grandchildren.
I love and live for my family. I don’t know what I would have done without them after my wife’s death.
More than 40 years ago, my wife caught me kissing Doreen, my friend’s wife, while we were at a party. Nothing else has ever happened. My wife never overcame the betrayal, but we agreed to stay together and work on our marriage. We also remained friends with Doreen and her husband. He died 25 years ago.
Over the years, Doreen and I have remained friends through email, Facebook, phone calls, children’s birthday parties, and more. My children know her and have always been friendly to her.
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Doreen and I have spoken on the phone many times in the years since my wife’s death (the “kiss” was never mentioned). I found it interesting to meet her.
I mentioned it to my son recently and he was very adamant that he didn’t want me to go out with her. He said his sisters agreed with him.
I don’t even know if Doreen will go out with me, but am I wrong that I want her to be a part of my life? I am afraid that my children will turn away from me. I think my wife told them about this long-ago kiss.
I was completely surprised by my son’s reaction.
What should I do?
– Just friends
Dear friends: When you essentially ask someone for permission to live your life within perfectly respectful limits, you run the risk of them saying no.
And – reporting on my own unscientific discoveries and insights, I would say that about 70% of older children say a quick “no” to the prospect of their older parent meeting after a loss. (They often appear later.)
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Just as you do not have the power to control your children’s lives, you must not give them the power to control yours.
So don’t ask.
For now, the only question on your part should be limited to Doreen. Also, I hope you won’t make the mistake of believing that you have to explain or apologize for a pathetic choice you made 40 years ago that you and your wife made as much as you could.
My general idea is that your health and happiness should be the most important thing for the people who love you. Deal with this new relationship discreetly and thoughtfully.
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Dear Amy: In January, I lent my granddaughter $ 9,000.
She agreed to return it to me when her bank opened next Monday. I know she had the money because her father (my son) was involved and she got a lot of money.
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It’s been a few months and she still hasn’t paid me.
I am considering suing her because I am retired and living on a fixed income. What should I do?
It hurts me to be treated this way after I was so kind as to lend her that money.
– Got it
Dear Stiffed: Some of the details you offer do not match.
If your granddaughter could get you back from her own account on Monday, then why did she need that money so urgently before?
Did she tell you why she needed this large sum or why her father did not lend it to her?
I hope you have some documentation on this loan.
Start by asking her – in writing – to repay you.
You can also try to ask her father to repay you.
If you do not get satisfactory answers (and your money), then – yes – depending on where you live, you can take this to the small claims court, which would be an easier (and cheaper) process for you.
I hope you charge her interest.
Dear Amy: Ah, I sighed when I read your friend’s answer to a broken friendship: “True friends are daffodils in the snow and it’s worth freezing.”
I am currently experiencing a friendship that is dying on the vine; this helped me put it into perspective.
– Moving of
Dear Moving On: This analogy is inspired by going into a snowstorm to save some wounded daffodils.
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