How many secrets do you keep? (Photo: Getty / Metro.co.uk)
You probably like to think of yourself as a pretty honest person.
But wait a minute.
According to Michael Slepyan, an associate professor of leadership and ethics at Columbia University, you are more likely to keep at least one secret from the people around you.
In fact, he may be able to predict what this secret is, as he is probably one of the 38 types he has discovered that people keep.
“All people have secrets,” Michael wrote in his new book, The Secret Life of Secrets.
Michael conducted a survey of 2,000 people in the United States, asking them a simple question: “What is the secret you keep now?”
From their answers, he managed to come up with 38 common secret categories, which he then shared as a list with more than 50,000 people from around the world.
Of these people, 97% mentioned at least one secret from the list. Most kept more than a few – participants said they had survived 21 of the 38 things and kept 13 of them secret.
All this shows that we are a group of vile keepers of secrets. So if you don’t wear one of them, we’ll be shocked.
On average, people have 13 secrets (Photo: Getty Images / fStop)
The 38 types of secrets that people keep:
Take some time to consider the following experiences. For each one, ask yourself: Have I had a similar experience? And if so, is it a secret?
“Even if you’ve discussed the experience with someone, if you still intend to hide it from someone else, it will still be considered a secret,” Michael said.
- Hurt another person (emotionally or physically)
- Illicit drug use or legal drug abuse (eg alcohol, painkillers)
- Habit or addiction (but not including drugs)
- Theft (any kind of seizure without asking)
- Something illegal (other than drugs or theft)
- Physical self-harm
- Abortion
- Traumatic experience (other than above)
- A lie
- Breach of trust (except through lies)
- Romantic desire (while unmarried)
- Romantic dissatisfaction (being unhappy in a relationship)
- Extra-relational thoughts (thoughts of connecting with another person while in a relationship)
- Emotional infidelity (to have an inappropriate emotional relationship with someone, to engage in something intimate other than sex)
- Sexual infidelity
- Relationship with someone who is cheating on someone else to be with you
- Social dissatisfaction (dissatisfaction with a friend or dissatisfaction with current social life)
- Physical dissatisfaction (dislike of appearance or something physical in itself)
- Fights for mental health
- Inappropriate behavior at work or school (or lying to be hired or accepted)
- Poor performance at work or school
- Dissatisfaction with profession / work (dissatisfied with your situation at work or school)
- Planned marriage proposal
- Planned surprise for someone (except marriage proposal)
- Hidden hobby or possession
- Hidden current (or past) connection
- Family secret
- Pregnancy
- Sexual orientation or gender identity
- Sexual behavior (other than sexual orientation)
- Don’t have sex
- Hidden preference (or dislike) for something
- Hidden faith (eg political, religious, social group views, prejudices)
- Finances (eg expenses, amount of money you have)
- Hidden current (or past) work or school activity
- Ambition, plan or goal for yourself
- Unusual or counter-normative behavior (unrelated to the above)
- Specific story you keep secret (unrelated to the above)
“The most common secrets include the lie we told (69%), romantic desire (61%), sex (58%) and finance (58%),” says Michael.
“When I say that people have an average of thirteen secrets on the list at any one time, you should take this as an understatement, because what this number really reflects is the number of categories of secrets that people have. You may have two or more secrets that fall into the same category, especially those that are broad, such as finances, sexual behavior, breach of trust, or committing something illegal.
More: Books
If you check a few on the list, don’t feel too bad. You are certainly not the only one who is a little secretive.
“When I ask people to just tell me about a secret they keep, 92% of the time it falls into one of the 38 categories on our list. This means that we are not so alone in the secrets we keep, no matter how isolating the experience of secrecy may feel.
“Far from what makes us different from others, secrecy is what we have in common.”
The Secret Life of Secrets: How Our Inner Worlds Shape Well-Being, Relationships, and Who We Are is now on the market and available for purchase from Waterstones.
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