Call it the fake war. All anyone in Westminster really thought about was what the Prime Minister knew about her former deputy chief whip Chris Pincher and when she knew it.
Over the past few days, the No 10 line has shifted from Boris Johnson knowing nothing about anything, to knowing nothing about any specific allegations, to knowing nothing about any specific serious allegations – a bit of casual groping doesn’t it was that bad: after all, even the Condemned had form for it – he might have known something, but he’d contact us when he found out what he was supposed to know. Therese Coffey’s defense. Lying has become so second nature in Downing Street that no one ever thinks to admit the truth.
But you would have been hard-pressed to know that the Rwandan panda’s judgment was again called into question by his statement to the House of Commons during last week’s trips to the Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting (Chogm) in Kigali, the G7 in Bavaria and the NATO summit in Madrid. Everyone was on their best behavior with not a single word out of place. Not even the Scottish national team. It was borderline surreal. There seemed to be a general agreement that what happened at the Carlton Club, stayed at the Carlton Club.
The only sign that something was wrong was the empty seats on the government benches. These days, the best way to gauge Johnson’s popularity is by absence. And on this show, the chief whip, Chris Heaton-Harris, has no job. Usually on such occasions the back benches are full to welcome their illustrious leader’s heroic return from mingling with the great, the good and the not-so-good. On Monday afternoon, only about 50-60 backbench MPs bothered to show their faces. And some of them had just come to stare.
Johnson began by reeling off a list of his apparent successes. NATO was a triumph, with Finland and Sweden wanting to join. The G7 was a triumph, with countries pledging more aid to Ukraine. Chogm wasn’t quite such a triumph, though no one should argue that much, as it would have been worse if not for the brilliance of the Doomed. He hesitated to make the connection between these summits, but would like it on record that he was the only leader to attend all three.
“Welcome back,” Keir Starmer joked. Although he wasn’t sure if “absence makes the heart grow fonder” was a good party management strategy. But that was as close as the Labor leader came to mentioning Johnson’s poor judgment regarding Pincher. Strange lady. If the convict is wrong on the easy calls – “Let me think. Is it a good or bad idea to give a government job to a man with an alcohol problem who has resigned from a ministerial post because of sexual misconduct?” – then what other misjudgments could he be making.
But Starmer glossed over all that, giving grudging praise for Johnson’s performance at the G7 and NATO. It wasn’t as much of a shame as it could have been. Ian Blackford took a similar position. He then has to deal with a sex scandal in his own party. So the SNP leader merely pointed out the hypocrisy of Johnson calling for global respect for international law when he was busy breaking it by tearing up the Northern Ireland protocol. The condemned affected indignation. No world leader had ever mentioned the protocol to him. I guess he has selective hearing.
And that was pretty much the sum total of criticism that was leveled at Johnson, with the exception of Tory rebel Mark Harper, who noted that the prime minister did not seem all that committed to committing to spending 2.5% of GDP on defence. as he did in NATO. Nor had he said how he proposed to find the extra £10 billion a year. The Rwandan panda shot him dirty and mumbled something about economic growth. Which would certainly be news. Although there is no time soon.
Otherwise, we’ve been treated to a series of staunch conservative backbenchers doing their best to achieve preferences with outrageous flattery. Gisa’s work. Even if it only lasts a few months. This is the only chance most of these dropouts ever get to become a junior minister. First up was Alec Shellbrook. Can he make some vague helpful remarks about something not very important? Of course he could. It is a measure of Johnson’s current desperation that he took Shellbrook seriously. Normally he would have ignored it, but now he lied that the back bench was the toast of all of NATO. As if.
Crispin Blunt and James Gray were also treated with unusual respect for their usual boring interventions. As well as Duncan Baker, who told how he took in two refugees at the beginning of the war in Ukraine. It feels like so long ago, he said plaintively. Imagine how long the refugees feel locked up with someone as dumb as Baker. Didn’t the Ukrainians suffer enough?
All the while, the convict’s Parliamentary Private Secretary, Joy Morrissey, nodded appreciatively at his every statement. That’s the kind of loyalty that money just can buy. Either that or she’s even dumber than any of us thought.
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