Name: Patrick Pony, Mayor of Cockington.
Age: four.
Status: Banned.
This will require some unpacking. Really? Haven’t you been following the story of the pony Patrick, mayor of Cockington and his run-in with the local pub?
I can’t say I have. Okay, we’ll start over. Do you know Cockington, the village in Devon?
Unclear, I guess. Great. Well, the residents recently elected a four-year-old Shetland pony named Patrick as their mayor. Now, the other thing to…
Wait. What? Patrick the pony is the mayor of Cockington. The old mayor died and the pony was chosen to take his place. There is nothing strange about that.
Was he against anyone? No, it was a one horse race.
I hate you. Either way, before he became mayor, Patrick was a much-loved figure in the village. He was a therapy pony, attended various recovery groups in the community and could often be found grazing in an ‘interaction pen’ in the garden of The Drum Inn, a pub in the village.
They elected a pony for mayor? pony? I already explained it, yes. Anyway, Patrick is now banned from The Drum Inn.
Because they didn’t like his politics? No, you fool. He’s a pony. He has no policies. The local council has ruled that the pen requires planning permission and must be taken down. Also, in order for Patrick to continue visiting the pub, the area must be reclassified from ‘garden’ to ‘official pasture’.
But he’s the mayor! Can’t he just overrule the council? Of course not. He’s a pony. But what makes this especially upsetting is that Patrick really liked drinking Guinness, so now he’s going to have to give it up.
I feel like I’m losing my mind. don’t Patrick the Pony, the mayor of Cockington, is far from the world’s only inhuman elected official.
Really? Of course! Bosco the dog was mayor of Sunol, California for 13 years. In 2018, Sweet Tart the cat was elected mayor of Omena, Michigan. And in 2019, Lincoln the goat became mayor of Fair Haven, Vermont, after a fierce campaign.
Against a person? No, you idiot, against a dog. It’s also worth noting that every elected mayor of Rabbit Hash, Kentucky has been a dog (one of whom was named Brunette Paltrow).
I feel like that actually makes things worse. Oh, lighten up. It’s just a little fun. Everything is so dark right now, why wouldn’t you want a cute animal for your mayor?
Yeah, I guess you’re right. Although the council will rue the day they decide to cross the pony Patrick, Mayor of Cockington. This pony will get revenge in this life or the next.
Say: “Patrick the pony is banned from the pub.”
Don’t say, “Maybe the council was afraid he would make a foal of himself.”
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