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Amy Dickinson • Especially for Postmedia Network A reader says that an ex-boyfriend has suddenly been accused of imbalance of power in their relationship. Photo by photo / Getty Images
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Dear Amy: About 10 years ago, I met very briefly with someone who was 15 years younger than me – I was 38 and he was 23.
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He was after me. The age difference bothered me from the beginning, and I told him many times that I didn’t want to go out because of it. Besides, I was dealing with suicidal depression, I couldn’t work, and I didn’t want to date anyone.
He persisted for months and eventually exhausted me (he wrote messages and called every day, showed up at my house uninvited and pointed out the case through mutual friends. He even made his parents call me to tell me that have approved).
We met for about two months. We had nothing in common. He and his friends were heavy drinkers and drug users, and my depression worsened.
I ended it (kindly). It shouldn’t have come as a surprise to him. All the time we were meeting, I told him – and all my friends and family – that I was uncomfortable with the age difference and meeting someone at that time.
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My health improved and I moved about 1,000 miles. We haven’t been in touch for 10 years.
He recently contacted me on social media and said that his therapist suggested that there was an inappropriate imbalance of power due to the age difference and that he could not give his consent – all these are many #metoo ideas.
I did not answer. I’m worried because it’s not true.
Now I work in the media and I’m a little worried about being canceled. But what worries me more is that he feels that way.
Do I have to answer?
“Worried.”
Dear Concerns: No, you do not have to answer. Taking the details as you describe them for granted, keeping in touch with that person would be like pushing “go” for a person who has previously violated reasonable limits, engages in behavior that sounds like stalking, and that seems capable of overall ruthlessness.
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You state that you did not work during your brief relationship, so I conclude that you were not his boss. He was 23 years old – over the age of consent. The 15-year gap between the two of you is insignificant.
It seems reasonable for the therapist to assume that there was an imbalance of power between the two of you, because many failed relationships are the result of an imbalance of power.
Don’t read any accusations in #metoo about this unless he explicitly makes them, and don’t apologize for your involvement in a very short relationship that you broke off.
Save and print any communication between you.
Most of us regret the choices we made in the early 1920s. You can hope that his therapy leads to insight instead of accusations.
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Dear Amy: What can I do for an alcoholic friend who won’t go to treatment because she’s been there before and they just preach religion?
It is not religious at all.
Are there resources for non-religious alcoholics?
“I’m trying to help.”
Dear Trial: As much as the Alcoholics Anonymous model introduced by Alcoholics Anonymous changes the world, some people are excluded from references to God or “higher power.”
Many programs, inspired by the success of AA, have adopted some of these basic truths and techniques, but removed all religious references.
Aaagnostica.org is an extremely useful resource for anyone looking for a non-religious recovery program. The site has a comprehensive list of books, blogs, essays and a database of secular recovery programs – all aimed at people like your friend.
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Particularly useful is their “collection of alternative 12 steps”, which offers secular interpretations of the 12 steps of AA.
Your friend may use his resistance to religion as a reason to avoid any recovery program, but you could certainly help by directing it to the many secular options available.
Dear Amy: Wondering wrote you a question asking if she should tell her older children about their half-brother (who was adopted as a baby).
Yes, she should!
I know I’ve been adopted since I was 10 years old. I am now 71 and have been in contact with my 11 half-siblings (both paternal and maternal) for several years.
I found some through persistent research to determine who my birth mother was, and others through DNA analysis given to me by my birth father.
As you said, it will come out sooner or later, and if she talks about it now, she will control the story.
– Adopted
Dear adoptees: Thank you for providing your important point of view. I hope the adopters follow your advice.
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